Merrilyn Lewis

The Fine Art of Small Talk

People who say they are terrible at making "small talk" usually consider it a matter of pride. They might pretend to despair at their incompetence, but inside, their little chests are all puffed up with smugness. They consider shooting the breeze beneath their dignity. Well, get over it.

"I don't know how it ever came to be called 'small talk,' " says Merrilyn Lewis of Bernardston, a public speaking coach. The ability to manage a short, light conversation gracefully is "hugely important," says Lewis, who teaches a course called "Schmoozing and Mingling 101." "It's critical in both social and professional settings. Often business is framed in small talk, and some cultures do a tremendous amount of training in it," says Lewis.

"Small talk is how relationships start," says Sasha ZeBryk of Agawam, whose public-speaking business is called Sasha Speaks. Fact is, people who shun small talk are usually afraid of it. They're afraid of being rejected or looking stupid, says Lewis.

"It traces back to the fight-or-flight mechanism in the brain," says Jim McNerny of Enfield, Conn., a member of Toastmasters, an international organization that helps develop speaking, leadership and team-building skills. "Once that kicks in, it shuts down the area in the brain for thought and speaking. You're unable to think on your feet and you lose your glibness." Is it possible for people who dread making small talk to get to the point where they enjoy it? "Absolutely," says McNerny, who has won several regional awards in Toastmasters competitions.

Here are a few tips from these experts:

• A dose of small talk at a party, mixer or conference break only needs to last eight to 10 minutes per person.
• It's not necessary to talk to everybody present. An uneasy person might want to settle on a goal, such as four people.
• It's good to prepare before the event. "I encourage people to have three or four topics of conversation ready," says Lewis, adding that "at a chamber 'after-hours' or a 'mix-and-mingle,' nobody expects an in-depth, heart-to-heart talk."
• Look approachable. Smile and make eye contact. Focusing on the feet is not recommended.
• The purpose of small talk is to make people feel good. Even if a person is a guest, he or she should think and behave like a host whose job is to put others at ease.
• Listen to the other person. Don't stand there thinking what to say next. ZeBryk advises looking at the color of the other person's eyes during the exchange.
• It's easier to approach a group of three or more people than to interrupt two. Also, look for body language. "Sometimes you can see when it's a closed group by people's postures," says Dennis Kunkler of Agawam, president of the Pioneer Valley chapter of Toastmasters.
• A person who is standing alone may appreciate a "rescuer." Remember, says McNerny: "Most people are far more approachable than the person doing the approaching thinks they are."
• Repeat the other person's name after introductions, and also at the end of the chat.
• Keep gestures small. This is not a stump speech where arms can be flung about.
• Look for things in common: "You were in the army? I was in the army! Where were you stationed?"
• Study people who are good at small talk. "It's nice to find someone who does it well and observe how they do it," says Lewis.
• Buy a book on etiquette. Lewis says that the lack of ease people feel with small talk is part of a general decline in the knowledge of etiquette.

Many topics are suitable for small talk. Some experts say asking questions is the best way to start a conversation, because people love to talk about themselves. But the art of sustaining small talk is more refined and complex than that. "It's like playing catch," says Lewis. "It's not working if one person holds the ball." People who stay up-to-date on the news will never be at a loss for topics, says Lewis. Read newspapers and news magazines, listen to National Public Radio. "And it's always safe to talk about great books you've read or great movies you've seen," says Lewis. Ask open-ended questions, not just those that can be answered "yes" or "no." Answer with full sentences.

ZeBryk has devised an acronym, BRAVO, for thinking up topics on the spot. B stands for the other person's behavior, R for relevant, A for appearance, V for verbal and O for occasion. For example, ZeBryk says she might start a conversation by noting that the person is left-handed (behavior) or is wearing interesting jewelry (appearance). At a wedding party (occasion), strangers have a ready-made subject to talk about: "How do you know the bride and groom?" ZeBryk also suggests introducing oneself in a way that will generate conversation. When people say, "What do you do?" don't just give a job title, she says. Her brother-in-law used to introduce himself as a CPA. Now he tells people, "I find hidden money." Much better.

An interesting note: These experts say humor makes a risky ice-breaker. "Humor only works when you are comfortable and you do it well," says Lewis. "This is not a time to practice a standup routine." When the 10 minutes of small talk are up, how are people supposed to extricate themselves gracefully? Sometimes they are having such a good time that they don't want to. That's great, but if the point of the event is to mingle, it's not right to tie up the other person's time. Trade phone numbers or business cards to follow up. A person can end the conversation by saying he is going to get another drink or use the restroom, or by introducing the other person to someone new, or by simply saying, "Thank you so much, I've enjoyed this." When exiting a conversation, repeat the other person's name, and try to comment on something he or she has said, to show that attention has been paid. The person should offer his breaking-away excuse only after he has spoken, not after the other person has spoken. And exchange business cards "only if you have made a connection," says Lewis. "Don't do it randomly."

Sound like a lot to remember? It is. The hardest part, says Kunkler, is to be aware and conscious of one's own performance so a person can analyze and learn from it. Someone thrown into such a situation unwillingly is often working "purely on adrenaline," trying to get through it. Experts recommend practicing. Strike up a conversation with somebody in line at the grocery store or at the movies, says Kunkler. "It's like anything else," he says. "The more you do it, the more comfortable it gets."

Small talk is not intended to replace the passing of wisdom from parent to child, the confidences of a good friend, the exchange of political ideas, the expression of a life philosophy. But sometimes it makes good things happen. "You never know," says Lewis, "who you're going to meet and who they know."

fromThe Sunday Republican
Lifestyle Section - November 2, 2003
By Pat Cahill
Staff Writer
pcahill@repub.com